Seriously?

Seriously

I have read so many articles and lists recently regarding “What not to say to an Autism Parent” and “The 10 dumbest things people have said”, etc…….

And yes, yes, I’ve heard almost all of them before – more than once.

I’ve been told “He doesn’t look Autistic”

He doesn't look Autistic

He doesn’t look Autistic

At a birthday party a parent asked “Does he eat?”

Another: “Can he talk?”

Yes

“Well he’s okay then, right?”

I’ve always said that I’d rather people ask questions than stare or assume. Some people do, and I always welcome the fact that they want to learn. I have had many wonderful conversations with strangers that were genuinely interested in learning about autism – his autism, as the saying goes…. “If you meet one Autistic person, you’ve met ONE Autistic person.” ~ Unknown

Recently I was visiting DC’s work program. There was a woman standing there that looked a bit familiar to me, but I could not place her. She looked at me and said “I know you, Vickie”

I was the team manager for our local Special Olympics golf team for a few years (insert laughter, as I know NOTHING about golf) and her nephew who has autism, was one of my players.

We chatted for a bit.  As it turned out,  she was there because her nephew was transitioning into the same work program as DC.

As we were chatting,  she said:

“Your son is SO handsome. You should be thankful he has Autism so you won’t have to worry about all of the girls that would be flocking around him”

Now she is a very nice woman and I know in her own way, she actually thought this was a compliment, but……..

Seriously?????

Progress with a Side of Pasta

Progress with a side of Pasta

Progress with a side of Pasta

Looking back over the past year, I can honestly say that it has been a very good and productive year.

DC completed his first full year of “work”.  He transitioned into it very well. Me? I am the one still having a problem calling it “work” and not “school”, the “car” is here, instead of the “bus”. I panic each time a school vacation comes along because I have to make plans for DC while I’m working, until I realize he doesn’t get those weeks off anymore; he’s working. The transition seems to be much more difficult for me than it was for him.

Volunteer

Volunteer “Dream Job”

My “Broadway Baby” also has a volunteer job as a Greeter at a local theater, with a job coach of course. He loves it and does well. The shifts are long, but he makes it through and he is happy when he gets home. How many of us can say we have our Dream Job? DC has his.

Because of his “theater experience” he was asked to help his camp by passing out programs at the annual “Thank You to Our Civic Groups” picnic. Unfortunately, the promise of cheeseburgers after he was finished totally distracted him while he was supposed to be working, so we will write  that one off as a “trial run” and I will know how to better explain the process to him next year.

Communication-wise, I’ve noticed that I am doing much less prompting to get him to respond to a greeting and many times he will initiate a greeting himself; although “Hello Old Lady isn’t exactly in my top ten, he DID initiate the conversation himself. He was also able to tell me a couple of  times, in his own way, but in a way that I was able to figure out, that he wasn’t feeling well.

He has been asking to do  more things “All by myself”, like making his lunch for school work, his breakfast, making his bed and shaving. “All by myself” means he doesn’t even want me in the room (a good thing with the shaving……. I make him nervous – me?- “Mom, are you still here?”).

This year we skipped our annual Halloween trip to either Salem or Sleepy Hollow and decided to go to New York ComicCon. To say it was  crowded is an understatement. He did well. Yes, he was anxious, but he controlled himself as best he could.  Mike TeeVee came at the perfect moment. DC was getting anxious so we were on our way off the show floor because I could see he was getting upset. We happened upon “Mr. TeeVee” on the way. No line,  as I don’t think anyone realized he was there yet. He was very nice and was able to spend some extra time with DC. DC calmed down right away.

He waited in line for an HOUR and A HALF to see the love of his life, Felicia Day. Do you remember when your kids were little? When they would finally eat or do something that they never would before and you were afraid to even look at them for fear they would stop? This is exactly how I felt standing in that line with him. I don’t think I was even breathing. Fortunately she came out early and we were relatively close to the front of the line, so I knew we were “home free” at that point. He was excited when she came out but then he turned to me and said “I am very nervous about this”. He has used the word “nervous” up to this point only when there was a storm, never about meeting anyone. I think he realized right then and there that the people he sees on TV or in the movies are real people AND that this person, that he adores, is someone special.

Penny's Frozen Yogurt

Penny’s Frozen Yogurt

We made it to the front, I could breathe again.  She was lovely to him. It made his day.

He was also able to meet William Shatner. He does know who that is due to his mother (me). He was very nice to him as well but “no pictures please”. We did forget to tell him that DC was born on his birthday; maybe that would have rated us a picture –but live and learn.

His Uncle asked him to sing Edelweiss at the table on Christmas Eve. DC is, and always has been, a ham so I was surprised that he sang the song, looking only at me and then buried his head in my arm when he was finished. Bashful! Embarrassed! I don’t know if this is a good thing or not,  BUT, it IS a new reaction and a new emotion so I will add this to the Plus Column as well.

There is so much more I can say about this year, but my point is, DC is 22, he continues to make progress. No, not in leaps and bounds as he did when he was younger, but it is there.

No matter what the age, there is always progress to be made. It may not even be noticeable right away, but it is there.

And, Oh……. On New Year’s Eve, Eve,  two days before the year ended, he actually ate pasta. PASTA!

Happy New Year!

Dear Abby – Feeling Chastised in New England

Let's all celebrate

Let me just begin by saying that since I began writing this blog I have had the pleasure of meeting a few Autistic Adults.  They are amazing individuals that do a great deal to raise awareness about autism. I “speak” with one in particular often enough to consider him a friend. He is a wonderful human being and it makes my day to “talk” with him or just read his posts. He is truly an inspiration to parents of children with autism, other teens and adults with autism. But above all that, he is a glowing example of the good things that can be found in today’s young adults in general. I don’t think of him as having autism, I think of him as my friend, plain and simple. I’m honored to have him as my friend.

My son’s autism or level of autism  is not like my new friends’. Autism affects each person differently.  Therefore, parents should not be made to feel inferior or chastised for their own beliefs. Everyone is different, everyone. There is no right or wrong, when it comes to autism, just a lot of people arguing with each other, it seems.

Today I received this private message on my face book page from a friend of mine who is pretty much in the same boat as I am “level-wise”.

The fact that she did not feel comfortable posting it publicly, speaks volumes about the environment we find ourselves in with the hostility that she (and I) knew would have ensued had she posted it publicly.

(The following message is used with permission. The names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Dear Abby (Vickie)…I think I’m missing something. Why is it wrong to feel like I’ve lost something in having an Autistic son? Why are we supposed to not want a “cure” or something that helps them handle this world we live in a little better? I look at the video of Bob from birth to 18 months and there were signs, but he was still there. It was June of 1996 – he was 18 months old – all of a sudden he disappeared. He is lost to me. He will never have a normal life. He will constantly need care and supervision. There are many people that are on the much higher functioning side of the spectrum that can navigate the world today. Bob is not one of them. Why am I supposed to not want that to be different? People say you don’t miss what you never had – but I know what could have been. I know what life he could have had and now for sure will not. He will find happiness somehow; he will be as productive as his disability allows him to be. But the sky is not the limit for him. The opportunities for him are not the same as they are for my daughters. Why am I supposed to celebrate that? With all this  hullaballoo about celebrating autism over the last few months, I’ve been feeling like a minority. I think these kids are lost – lost to the life that could have been, lost to the possibilities that would have been. I feel they have a disability because they are “not able” to process and handle what happens in life the way others do. Why are we getting lost on the rhetoric? Am I missing something Vickie?

Feeling Chastised in New England

I have said this many times and in many different ways:

  • I celebrate my son as an individual
  • I celebrate my son because he is my son and I love him more than words could say.
  • I celebrate his accomplishments, no matter how large or small they may be.
  • I celebrate him because he is wonderful.
  • I do not celebrate the part of  his autism that will keep him from being safe and out of danger.

I write stories about my son because:

  • He is wonderful.
  • I’m very proud of him.
  • I’m very proud of his progress.
  • He makes me laugh every day.
  • He makes me smile every day.
  • He makes me worry every day.
  • I believe these stories shed a little bit of light on autism and the way his mind works – not all autism, but his.

I don’t believe anyone should be made to feel “less than”. I don’t consider my son “less than” but there is an issue. There is that life he could have had. Maybe it would not have been a better life, maybe it would have been, but at the very least he would have been able to understand it and navigate through it.

Individuals should be celebrated, not the diagnosis.

Like “Feeling Chastised”, my son will never be able to live on his own. He will never be able to take care of himself. He will not know when/if he’s being taken advantage of. He does not understand danger or safety. He is verbal but really not able to communicate if something might be wrong.

My suspicion is that many of these parents in celebration have younger children or children that can function at a higher level than mine. They still have hope of great progress, and they should have hope, there is always hope. I still have hope for more progress, but living in the real world I know that even though he continues to make progress, none of the issues listed above will improve enough that I will not spend every day and night worrying about what will happen to him when I am gone. This is the stuff our nightmares are made of. What’s going to happen to them when we’re all done celebrating autism? Our “kids” are going to outlive us, people. Who’s going to take care of them? Will they be cared for in the same fashion that we have cared for them?  How drastically will their life change then? Think about it.

If I haven’t said it a hundred times, then let this be the hundredth; if I were to live forever, I would not change a thing about my son. He’s happy almost all of the time. He loves his life. He is in his own little happy world, but he won’t always be able to live in his own world, he will someday have to live in the real world. Then what?

When your child with Autism becomes an adult with Autism and your own mortality begins to slap you in the face, come back and talk to me then about this celebration we are supposed to be having.

Those of us with adult children that will not be able to live or navigate the world with out constant support, that have been in the trenches for many years, long before there was a “spectrum”, long before there were many of the services available today, deserve a little bit of respect and deserve to be able to voice our opinions as you are allowed to voice yours;  to want something more than a celebration.

I believe in raising awareness. I believe in trying to make people understand Autism. I believe that INDIVIDUALS and accomplishments should be celebrated. I also believe some of us need more than that.

My only wish is to be able to die in peace knowing my son will be okay…….

“Looking Handsome” in the Princess Room

Let’s begin by saying that DC does not like to keep anything in his pockets. He will put his cell phone and wallet in his pockets; but they come out the second he gets inside the house…… nothing else. So much so that about a year ago when I asked him to put his gum wrapper in his pocket so he could use it when he was finished (instead of handing it to me straight out of his mouth or sticking it to the console in my car), he immediately threw away said piece of gum and hasn’t had a piece of gum since; all because I asked him to put the wrapper in his pocket.

Planning ahead:

He really doesn’t have any concept of planning ahead. He knows when he’s going somewhere or doing something, but he really can’t plan, for example, what he’s going to wear or what he should bring other than the pile of books that he travels with.

Two years ago we took a trip to Universal, Disney and Puerto Rico. DC has been to Disney many, many times so he knows what he wants to do and where he wants to go. He’s already got that all scheduled in his head. But if I asked him how many pairs of socks, pants, underwear and shirts we should pack for the week; he wouldn’t be able to figure that out.

Day one was spent traveling and visiting Downtown Disney

Dc in Downtown Disney

Dc in Downtown Disney

Day two we visited Universal Studios

DC at Universal

DC at Universal

……and then on to Disney World, more specifically, the Magic Kingdom, DC’s favorite.

As I said earlier, he knows exactly where he wants to go and what he wants to do, so there was no question at some point we would be visiting the “Princess Room”.

After we made it though the line, outside the room, we waited inside the room with 4 or 5 other families to see the princesses.

While we were waiting behind the ropes, in full view of all of the princesses, DC gave me a bashful smile that I had never seen before. He slowly pulled a comb out of his pocket. Snow White happened to notice the comb and said “Did you bring that comb to look nice for me?” DC now very excited answered in his very loud happy voice, “Yes”, and the flapping started

– Good flapping

– Happy flapping

At this point all of the other parents, princesses and workers in the room were watching him (not staring, watching)

– Good watching

– “Awww, how cute” watching

DC combed his hair and announced, again in his very loud excited voice, that he was “Looking Handsome” (more Awwws). Now he was the hit of the room and the center of attention. The other parents were taking pictures of him, the Disney Video Guy (I never did find out what that was all about) was taping him. DC was eating it all up, and then he turned on the charm.

The other parents actually hovered as long as they could to see him when it was his turn with the princesses. In true DC fashion, he held their hand, took a bow and spun them around as if they were dancing at the ball. He added a new “move” to his list that year and began each conversation with a line from one of their songs.

He told Snow White that someday her prince will come.

Looking Handsome for Snow White

Looking Handsome for Snow White

He told Belle that the was “something there that wasn’t there before”

Something there that wasn't there before

Something there that wasn’t there before

…. And he informed Arora that he walked with her “once upon a dream”

Once upon a dream

Once upon a dream

–          The boy knows his Disney songs!

Did I tape it? No, I was too busy getting teary eyed about the whole thing.

The Princesses were wonderful with him! They all made a big deal over him and he was the happiest “kid” in the park that day.

On the way out of the room the man with the video camera gave us passes for that night. The park was to stay open an extra 2 hours after the official close time for the people with passes. There was a party, music and no lines for the rides. It was a wonderful night.

Just think about this though, because I have thought about it so many times…..

*DC knew that he, without a doubt, would be going to the princess room .

*He thought ahead

*He put a comb in his POCKET BEFORE WE LEFT HOME

and

*He remembered to bring it with him to Disney World a full two days later!

This may not seem like a big deal to most of you but I’m sure that some of you will understand how mind-blowing this was for me!

Between you and me, I think the real reason for bringing the comb was that he wanted to comb “princess hair”, but the fact remains – he thought ahead.

 

One of these days I will tell you about his next meeting with Snow White a few years later…..

There’s No Place Like Home

There's No Place Like Home

There’s No Place Like Home

I am fortunate that DC loves to travel. This was not always the case and for a time I believed we would never be able to go anywhere at all, especially by plane. But now he loves to go everywhere and anywhere.

As much as he loves to go away, he always knows when it’s time to go home. If he knows we are leaving on Tuesday, then we are leaving on Tuesday. If he was offered an extra day in Disney, he would not take it because he is going home on Tuesday. It’s not that he is not enjoying himself, he is. He just knows when it’s time to go home and he wants to go home.

Three years ago we took a trip to San Francisco. With the exception of the off season heat wave, the “salad dressing incident” (as it has come to be known by many of my friends), the evacuation of our hotel and an extremely frightening ride in a taxi, the trip went well.

Evacuating the hotel - San Francisco 2010

Evacuating the hotel – San Francisco 2010

We had a great time!

Walking on the Golden Gate 2010

Walking on the Golden Gate 2010

Saturday came and it was time to go home. We had a very late flight, so we spent the day seeing some last minute sights, dinner, and nap and off to the airport to catch our 12:30 am flight home.

Everything went smoothly; bags were checked in, we got through security quickly, we made it to the gate, got DC some snacks for the flight and waited to board.

It was about the time for the plane to begin boarding when the announcement came that the flight had been cancelled! Not delayed, cancelled, due to the crew’s “fatigue” ~ seriously that is exactly what they announced; the crew was fatigued and the flight was cancelled. The next flight out was not until 6:00 am the following morning. This was an already scheduled and sold flight, so chances were they would not be able to accommodate all of these people that just became stranded in the airport.

This was not going to be pretty; DC was ready to go home.

The conversation went like this:

DC the plane is not coming; we have to wait until tomorrow.

“Going home now”

“There’s no place like home”

 No, Bud we have to wait until tomorrow, the plane is broken (I wasn’t going to try to explain “fatigued). Okay, we will go home tomorrow.

“Okay”

Pause……….

“Plane is cancelled, going home now. There’s no place like home”

Mom, going home now. No place like home. Plane is canceled, going home now, there’s no place like home.”

I tried to explain again and again, but as many times as he said “Okay” he went right back into “Going home now, there’s no place like home, plane is cancelled, going home now”

I gave up explaining and tried to ignore it, but he got right in my face and started to get loud “Going home now, there’s no place like home, plane is cancelled, going home now”

The gate was a zoo, with all of the passengers trying to book other flights home. I sat with DC while Doug was in line trying to get us on a flight. There was nothing else I could do for him.  He wouldn’t take any explanation I could give him. It just wasn’t going to sink in.

Now I was also worrying about spending the night in the airport with him. I didn’t think it was going to be easy to get a room anywhere since the entire flight of people would be trying to get a room. We had already turned in the rental car and I was imagining us driving around all night in a cab looking for a hotel with an open room.  Our bags were checked in earlier and we wouldn’t be getting those back tonight so  we had nothing!

And DC was still going on and on……

At this point I saw that Doug had made it to the counter and was working to book a flight. DC was just going on and on so I decided I would share the “joy”. I took DC up to the counter and stood next to Doug.

DC went on and on…..

“Going home today, there’s no place like home, plane is cancelled. Mom! Going home today, there’s no place like home, plane is cancelled, going home today” louder and louder……..

The woman behind the counter looked up at me and said “Oh! I AM Soooooo SORRY!” as DC kept reciting his lines. He kept it up, I tried to explain over and over and he went right on.  She apologized again and on he went.

She was finally able to book us a flight for the next day. And she also threw in a room free of charge (She may have been afraid she would have to listen to this the entire night – I think that “Sharing the Joy” may have paid off a bit……..)

And yes, in this case I agreed with DC… there is no place like home!

Wax Museum - San Francisco 2010

Wax Museum – San Francisco 2010

(We’re going to skip over  the next battle in the room, with no luggage, when he refused to go to sleep because he had no PJ’s and one just doesn’t  sleep In one’s clothes, you know)

Communication, Paper Towels and Other Nonsense

The battle for communication from the time DC was in the Birth to 3 Program has been a never-ending battle fought, for the most part, uphill.

When he was younger I asked –  begged, someone – anyone; his teacher, his IA, anyone,  to write at least one thing that he did that day that was specific to that day. I explained that I wanted him to understand the question “What did you do today” and to be able to have some sort of conversation whether it be in sign language (when he was young) or in just a few words (when he moved past sign and started using a small  words). I just wanted him to understand the question and give me some sort of response.

If I couldn’t get a response, at least I could list a few things I KNEW that he did, hoping that this would get the point of “today” in his mind. If I listed things that I thought he may have done and he answered “yes” and then turned out he didn’t do those things, we were missing the point of learning to respond to “what did you do today”. He will give random answers, or answers that he gave before, even if they are not correct. So I needed to KNOW.

“Fine Day overall” – my all-time favorite, was not what I had in mind.

Now he’s in a day/work program. It took a long time to find this program (which was the blog I was going to write today).  He works in their on-site Greenhouse which is open to the public. Communication is a little better about what he did that day, but other notes can be a little odd at times.

Judging from some of the notes I’ve received I really don’t think they understand him or the way his mind works.

 “DC refused to do a job that was assigned to him today”.

Now…… I am not one of those “Not MY Child” or “My child would never do that”, I know what he would or wouldn’t do and my child would not do that! Upon further investigation I discovered that they were phrasing their assignment, for example; “DC do you want to empty the garbage?” Of course he is going to say “No”! Who wants to empty the garbage if given a choice? Phrasing it as a question is giving him a choice in his mind. He’s not refusing, he’s answering a question.

I’m not going to get into all of the notes, but it’s clear to me that they don’t understand Autism, which I find odd in a program for special needs adults.

Note from yesterday:

“DC, when given some directions – a job I guess he did not want to do, banged his hand on the water barrel.”

That’s it.

It’s difficult enough to talk to him about something after the fact, never mind without specifics.

What was the Job? Were there too many directions?

He can follow directions but it has to be a step or two at a time, otherwise he overloads, shuts down and won’t hear any of it. Something they should know at this point.

And then:

“DC has been using up paper towels at work. I told him it’s a rule – One Towel only when you wash your hands. I made a sign that says “Rule – One Towel” for him. If you have a suggestion, let me know”

(This about a kid who more times than not dries his hands on his pants)

I went to have lunch with DC hoping to speak with her, but she was not there.

After lunch DC had to use the rest room and I waited (1/4 of my life is spent waiting outside the Men’s Room :). He came out, went to the sink, washed his hands, took one paper towel and threw it away.

And then there was this:

DC Rule 1 Towel

DC Rule
1 Towel

They posted his NAME on the sign in a place of business that is open to the public!

As I was leaving, the assistant said “DC do you want to work in the garden with the boys?” – and DC said “no”……….. – (heavy sigh)

And how was your day?

****

The sign with his name on it and the question (again) instead of a directive were both addressed …. but we won’t get into that. The sign was taken up with the director later that day.

****

Tales from the Day Program – ALL

Does everything really need to be this difficult?

bureaucracy-2106924_960_720

 

Please Note: The following is a rant, plain and simple; a rant, a vent, whatever you would like to call it. There is no moral to the story, no happy ending, no “Ah Ha” moment, no conclusions to be drawn (actually there are many conclusions to be drawn, but we won’t say them out loud) – just a plain and simple “I’ve had it” kind of rant.

For those of you who don’t have a child with special needs or have young children and haven’t had to think about the “adult” side of things, here’s how it works. I don’t know if it’s the same in every state, but this is the way it goes here.

When your child reaches the age of 18, depending on the severity of the disability (can he/she make decisions for themselves)  the parent is required to apply for guardianship of their own child otherwise they will not have the ability to make decisions for that child. The state views them as adults, period, and this means they should be able to make their own decisions, medically, financially, etc. (Paperwork, Probate hearing)

Due to budget cuts right around the time DC was to about turn 18, anyone not covered under Title 19, lost their caseworker through Department of Developmental Services. DDS is where the funding comes from for their work/day programs after they leave the school system at 21.

This is the time in our children’s lives when you really need to have a caseworker. This is when you have to begin looking for a program for them when they leave school.

Before you can apply for Title 19, you first have to apply for Social Security (tons of paper work).

After you apply for Social Security, you can begin the application process for Title 19. I am fortunate that my case worker, Ruthie, at the time, was there to help with this. She came to my house and my friend who has a son the same age as DC, came over and we all did the paperwork together. If not for her, I would still be sitting in the same place trying to figure it all out.

Now we’re done, right? Wrong!

Every year I have to fill out the forms for Guardianship (when they come, sometimes they don’t) again – just to be sure DC is still disabled. Not a big deal, just annoying. But seriously, he has autism, it doesn’t go away.

There is an annual report for Social Security as well as an audit or two during the year “just because”. And….. now that he is in a work program and makes a tiny bit of money, I have to remember to call in during and only during the first 6 days of the month to report his wages for the previous month to Social Security, so they can reduce his monthly payment appropriately.

Also once a year we receive the annual Title 19 redetermination, which is basically as much paperwork as the original application. I’m not complaining, I can live with all of this, but it is a LOT of paperwork!

Complaining begins here:

Now, I may not look like the most organized person in the world, but I do get all of these things done, on time, always!

DC’s redetermination was due on July 20. On July 16th I mailed a giant package with the application, the year’s worth of check stubs, his last bank statement and insurance cards – everything they asked for in the instructions. This was the fist time filling out a redetermination since he had begun working.

Done! PHEW!

Wrong again!

On Monday, August 26th I received a letter from DSS that his benefits had been discontinued because I did not complete and return his redetermination! There was a form included so I could request a hearing. This form had to be completed and returned by August 30th – in four days!

“Calm” was never and will never be a word used to describe me, so the next morning a dragged all of my “books” to work to recopy all 43 pages of his redetermination, because at this point I can’t think about anything else.

First, I decided to try to call the number (silly, yes I know). There was really no menu item that described this situation and no way to talk to a person, so I moved on to faxing the hearing notice and the copies of the redetermination to the number provided. The fax was cutting out and disconnecting and after I don’t know how many attempts, I gave up trying to fax it all.

Knowing this was going to take more than a fax at this point, I took my lunch break at 9am so I could copy all of these forms, check stubs, insurance cards and bank statements. I decided I would mail one copy to the local office and the other to the address that was on the hearing notice. Two more giant packages in the mail – Done!

I was not confident that either of these packages  would ever be seen by anyone, as they never received the original and having only 3 days now to request a hearing, I found different phone # in all of my 3 ring binder records and tried again to call. Fortunately, I was able to put the call on speaker and do some work while I waited otherwise I’d be putting in for vacation time to finish all of this! Unfortunately, all of my co-workers had to listen to “Your wait time is…. more than 20 minutes” over and over again.

An HOUR and 9 MINUTES later (just a tad more than 20 minutes), an actual person picked up. I explained the situation as calmly as I could.

Her reply was: “Oh, we’ve put a new system into place where all the redeterminations go first to our scanning facility and are inputted into our system for us to work on. Because the system has been up and down and they are very backed up, we probably do have your original redetermination and we have extended everyone’s deadline to November 20th. His benefits have not been cancelled.

Seriously? It may have been more effective to put THAT in the letter instead of telling me his benefits were cancelled and I only had 4 days to do something about it!

Those that know me can imagine where the conversation went from there, so I will spare all of you the details.

End result, she gave me her fax # and I faxed another 43 pages directly to her.  She did explain that she is not the person that would be working on my son’s case, but I wanted them to go to SOMEBODY.

So at this point, there are 3 packages of my son’s information floating around somewhere and one more in the hands of this person who has nothing to do with my son’s case.

She also informed me (after receiving 43 pages) that they really only need the last 4 paystubs. Hmmmm….. Maybe the redetermination instructions could say that!

So….

  • They lost his original packet (but maybe not, we may never know)
  • You can’t talk to a person at the number they provide.
  • They mailed letters to clients telling them their benefits were cancelled. (The person I spoke with said they received 1500 calls that morning)
  • They extended the deadline without bothering to tell anyone (This would have been something to send a letter about –it may have gone a long way to reduce the amount of calls they received.  And really, nobody at DSS found it odd that 1500 cases were being cancelled at the same time, due to non-completion of their redeterminations? – Somebody had to MAIL all of these letters!)
  • They sent a hearing notice to return by fax within 4 days with a fax number that clearly doesn’t work.
  • And I still don’t know if anybody that actually works on his case has his forms at this point.

.

I feel like there was nothing accomplished here and there was an enormous amount of wasted time on both sides.

I suppose I will be in the dark until I get my notice in November.

Don’t Judge What You Don’t Understand

There is a convenience store in our town that my son and I stop in pretty regularly. The employees are very nice to him. One in particular seems to be very interested in him and his diagnosis and really goes out of his way to try to talk with him.

A few weeks back, there weren’t many customers so he began asking questions about him. I never mind when people ask questions; I’d rather they ask than stare or shy away from him.

One thing led to another and he began to tell me that they do not have the system that we have in his country. In his country the families take care of their disabled children. He proceeded to say (which I’m sure he thought was a compliment) that I take care of my son, but other customers who come in with disabled children and adults ask for receipts for what they are buying.

I really didn’t understand at first what one thing had to do with the other but he explained – “I ask them why they need a receipt and they tell me it is for the child/adult’s father or some company”.

In the first place, why would he ask anyone why they needed a receipt? And then why would anyone feel obligated to answer that question?

He proceeded to tell me again that, in his country, the families take care of their own children. He automatically made the assumption that if someone else is with your child, a staff person, or a person from a group home that the parents are not taking care of their own children!

Immediately the pointing finger came out (I really have to learn to control the “finger wagging”) and I said “Oh, no. Do not judge people because someone else happens to be with their child at that time!”

I tried to explain to him that, in my case, my son has been with me and I have done just about everything for him all of his life but now I too have staff people with him a couple of hours every day after he gets home from work because he needs to learn to be independent from me.  I don’t like it at all, but I know it’s the best thing for him. I’m always convinced that I am the biggest detriment to his independence.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get to finish my speech as customers were coming in and I could see that he was getting uncomfortable because he thought he’d offended me, which he did. When people make those kinds of assumptions whether it be about me or not, I DO take offence. I suppose I just could have let him believe that I was not one of those “awful” people pawning their child off on someone else; he would never know any different, but I just couldn’t let it go.

Partially, I think I react that way because I DO feel guilty when I am not with him. All I was looking for when all of this began was some type of program after school so I didn’t have to continue cutting my hours at work to make it home before he arrived from school. I’ve been a single mother for nearly 20 years, and I have to work; fulltime, always have, it’s only me supporting us.  What I ended up with was staff hours for life skills, community, and activities. And yes, I know it’s the best thing for him, but after 3 years with this staff (they are wonderful, don’t get me wrong), I still feel guilty.  His staff is only here from 3pm – 5pm, and then they accompany him to some night activities as well – activities that I would normally have taken him to. But,  I feel like I’m being judged by people, my neighbors that weren’t living here all of the years that it was just me and just people in general who have no idea what this is all about, like the man in the store.

I wanted to ask the cashier just what happens to the children is his country when the families are gone or too old to take care of these children? They’ve been sheltered all of their lives, what becomes of them? How to they adjust to having no one?  I don’t know anything about his country, I don’t even know what country he is from, but I feel that here, at least in this house, we are not trying to shelter our kids by just keeping them safe and out of the way and never learning or experiencing life, the best life they can have.  I  am hoping to help him become as independent as he can be and if that means letting someone else take the reins for a couple of hours a day, then that’s what I am going to do.

I know he’s not a bad person and I was sorry I made him feel uncomfortable, but I am really hoping to finish this conversation one day and hopefully make him see that he should not judge what he does not understand and maybe even change the way he perceives  “these parents” (myself included)…… ……….

We can’t have it both ways…. but it’s still a little bit sad.

Today was my son’s first day attending day camp this summer. He has attended this camp since he was 5 – he’s 22 now.

Every summer he was able to attend camp all summer long, even staying after until 8pm for a special after camp program they hold twice a week. He loves it there.

Now that he’s 22 and aged out of the school system, he is in a work program, year round. When I started looking at programs for him I was shocked that they didn’t get the summers off!

Of course they don’t, they are adults and have to do their job every day, just like we do. But it was a rude awakening for me at the time.

Everything changes after “school-age”. He’s aged out of Challengers baseball. Seventeen years of baseball….over. No more February vacations, Spring Vacations or Summer vacations. He’s “working” now, with 3 weeks’ vacation, holidays and some sick days, just like everyone else. This was probably the hardest transition for me so far. I have to think to call “work”, “work” and not “school”. It takes a minute, when I panic that I haven’t set up anything for February vacation – to realize that there is no February vacation any more. Becoming an Adult may actually be harder on me that it is on him. It’s just such a huge change.

Yes, I know we are moving into adulthood and working toward independence; as much independence as his capabilities will allow.  Yes, I know this was the goal all along, but on the other hand, he’s still so much a child. He’s still watching “Barney” (22 years of Barney! That’s a Support Group I need to form, anybody?), he’s still reading and watching Disney and is not embarrassed to hug and kiss his Mom.  On some level, for me, as much as I always work and hope for more progress, I love it,  it’s nice.

This should be a happy time, and of course it is. He is an adult. He is in a program that he loves, but when summer comes around and it’s time for Camp to start, it’s a little bit sad that he doesn’t get to spend a fun filled, happy-go-lucky summer at camp as he used to. He only gets his two weeks.

Because…..he’s an adult now………