“PLEEEEEEEEESE”

(code word of the day – ‘Paper Towels’ = Toilet paper)

A few weeks ago, DC and I were on our way to a dance. I was planning on grocery shopping the following day but decided to stop at a convenience store to pick up a roll of paper towels – just as a little bit of back-up until I went shopping the next day.

I intended to pick up only one roll as I did not see any need to pay convenience store prices when I would be going to a grocery store the following day. It was no emergency, but I do know how quickly they seem to disappear in our house.

DC came into the store with me, hoping to pick out a treat. He went to the ‘treat’ aisle and grabbed his bag of Combos – no surprise there. I went to the next aisle. We met in line at the register.

There was one person in front of us and another behind us. DC looked at the single roll of paper towels and said,

“No! Two! Please!”

He was very loud and adamant about it. Alright, so he was nervous about running out of paper towels. I did think that it was a bit odd that he was so worried about paper towels, but not a big deal. We still had the one customer in front of us so I said “Okay, if you want two, go over and get ONE more, but you have to hurry”

DC went running over to the other side of the store.

This child, has THE best sense of direction of anyone I have ever met. He remembers how to get anywhere we’ve ever been. He always seems to know right where he is. He does NOT get this from me. I still get lost in the mall. For someone who has this type of directional sense, he just could not take direction to the paper towel aisle, even though there were only 3 aisles in the store and he had seen me go to the aisle only a few seconds before.

He was walking around, looking up in the air, trying to follow the instructions I was giving him from the line. At this point, the woman ahead of me had finished her transaction and not wanting to hold up the woman behind me, I called to DC and said “Never mind, we will get more tomorrow”.

The man behind the counter said, “It’s okay, I will just ring up an extra one if he really wants two” . He was ringing and helping to give directions to DC – it was beginning to get ridiculous – there were only 3 aisles, but I knew if he did not find the aisle soon he would become very upset and frustrated (he was already beginning to) and this agitated mood would carry itself over to the dance we were headed to. Just as I was going to leave the line to help him, the clerk said “I think he’s found them”.

Around the corner comes DC with not one, but an armload of at least 7 rolls of paper towels! I tried not to laugh and told him that we did not need that many, and to please put them back.

DC stood in the middle of the store, with his arms full of paper towels and yelled “PLEEEEEASE” “PLEEEEEASE” as if his life depended on it. He does not beg this much or this loudly when he wants me to buy him a book or movie. I told him to put them back but he just stood there, arms full yelling “PLEEEEEEASE!”

The clerk was now laughing, not at DC, but at the sight of him standing there with so many paper towel rolls. The poor woman waiting patiently behind me said “He sure loves his paper towels, doesn’t he?”

“Yes, apparently, he does today.”

I had no idea what was in his head or why he HAD to have them right then, but for some reason they were very important to him in that moment. I promised him that we would get more the following day at the grocery store (and we did), so he finally put them all back except for the additional roll I had agreed to earlier.

He was still out of sorts when we arrived at his friend’s house, but fortunately, over it by the time we got to the dance.

I suppose, still, after all this time, I do not always know just what is important to him or why it is important at any given time. Just when I thought I’d be adding paper towels to his “Odd Gift List” ; the following day, in the grocery store, he didn’t seem concerned whether we bought more or not, but for some reason, the day before, it was very important.

(After thinking about it – a lot – because that is what I do; and writing about it, because at times it helps me to figure things out* and after just writing that very last paragraph, the light went off in my head – I am wondering if it wasn’t the paper towels at all, just the fact that I was only buying one at the time and at the grocery store, we always buy a package? “Buying more tomorrow”, doesn’t make a lot of sense in his world – at that moment in time, we were just buying one and this had never happened before)

**I was told long ago by one of DC’s first teachers, Mrs. T, that, with Autism, not all things can be explained and I might just drive myself crazy trying to figure everything out. This is true, very true, but it does not stop me from trying…..

Don’t Judge What You Don’t Understand

Posted by TakingItAStepAtATime

There is a convenience store in our town that my son and I stop in pretty regularly. The employees are very nice to him. One in particular seems to be very interested in him and his diagnosis and really goes out of his way to try to talk with him.

A few weeks back, there weren’t many customers so he began asking questions about him. I never mind when people ask questions; I’d rather they ask than stare or shy away from him.

One thing led to another and he began to tell me that they do not have the system that we have in his country. In his country the families take care of their disabled children. He proceeded to say (which I’m sure he thought was a compliment) that I take care of my son, but other customers who come in with disabled children and adults ask for receipts for what they are buying.

I really didn’t understand at first what one thing had to do with the other but he explained – “I ask them why they need a receipt and they tell me it is for the child/adult’s father or some company”.

In the first place, why would he ask anyone why they needed a receipt? And then why would anyone feel obligated to answer that question?

He proceeded to tell me again that, in his country, the families take care of their own children. He automatically made the assumption that if someone else is with your child, a staff person, or a person from a group home that the parents are not taking care of their own children!

Immediately the pointing finger came out (I really have to learn to control the “finger wagging”) and I said “Oh, no. Do not judge people because someone else happens to be with their child at that time!”

I tried to explain to him that, in my case, my son has been with me and I have done just about everything for him all of his life but now I too have staff people with him a couple of hours every day after he gets home from work because he needs to learn to be independent from me. I don’t like it at all, but I know it’s the best thing for him. I’m always convinced that I am the biggest detriment to his independence.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get to finish my speech as customers were coming in and I could see that he was getting uncomfortable because he thought he’d offended me, which he did. When people make those kinds of assumptions whether it be about me or not, I DO take offence. I suppose I just could have let him believe that I was not one of those “awful” people pawning their child off on someone else; he would never know any different, but I just couldn’t let it go.

Partially, I think I react that way because I DO feel guilty when I am not with him. All I was looking for when all of this began was some type of program after school so I didn’t have to continue cutting my hours at work to make it home before he arrived from school. I’ve been a single mother for nearly 20 years, and I have to work; fulltime, always have, it’s only me supporting us. What I ended up with was staff hours for life skills, community, and activities. And yes, I know it’s the best thing for him, but after 3 years with this staff (they are wonderful, don’t get me wrong), I still feel guilty. His staff is only here from 3pm – 5pm, and then they accompany him to some night activities as well – activities that I would normally have taken him to. But, I feel like I’m being judged by people, my neighbors that weren’t living here all of the years that it was just me and just people in general who have no idea what this is all about, like the man in the store.

I wanted to ask the cashier just what happens to the children is his country when the families are gone or too old to take care of these children? They’ve been sheltered all of their lives, what becomes of them? How to they adjust to having no one? I don’t know anything about his country, I don’t even know what country he is from, but I feel that here, at least in this house, we are not trying to shelter our kids by just keeping them safe and out of the way and never learning or experiencing life, the best life they can have. I am hoping to help him become as independent as he can be and if that means letting someone else take the reins for a couple of hours a day, then that’s what I am going to do.

I know he’s not a bad person and I was sorry I made him feel uncomfortable, but I am really hoping to finish this conversation one day and hopefully make him see that he should not judge what he does not understand and maybe even change the way he perceives “these parents” (myself included)…… ……….