Let me begin by saying that I am not one of those people who go around diagnosing others or diagnosing myself, but over the last year or so, I have come to realize that I am neurodivergent.

I do not know what the specific diagnosis(s) will be when I do finally have the time to have some testing done, but I know it is there.

Having an autistic child, I will say that I should have recognized this fact. I should have recognized that I do and always have done all of the same things he does, just not as publicly.

Oddly enough, I really began to realize this about myself by watching 3 different you-tube lawyers, who never pass up an opportunity to speak about their own neurodivergence. The more I listened, the more I said “Oh”.

OH!

Trust me, I am not speaking about one or two “quirks” because I have heard people say “Everyone has quirks. Everyone is a bit autistic”.

First… Don’t do that. It is very disparaging to people who have an actual diagnosis.

Secondly … Maybe many people do have what you like to call “quirks”. Maybe some people have “some of the things” but they don’t have all of the things.

As a side note: I do believe there is some dyslexia mixed in there as well.

Actually this realization has made me feel much better about everything. Instead of masking, I am now more open to admitting why I can’t do this or go there or why this noise drives me over the edge or how distracted and/or obsessive I can get and how easily I can get there. (I am not going to make a list; this is just a very small sampling – very small).

When I think back over my whole life I can now see what was going on. I have always thought that there was something wrong with me and tried to hide all of my anxiety (not very well at times) and made excuses for all of the other issues I was having in private. It feels better to know that there is nothing “wrong” with me, it is just that my brain works very differently.

I have spoken to a few friends and family members about this over the past few months. Most of them understand that I am not just taking a few incidents and turning it into a diagnosis (although I did go into more detail that I have here).

One friend said that they never thought much about it – I was just Vickie and that was how Vickie was. We’ve known each other for many, many years and I am glad that she has always taken me for me.

Another friend said that it would never have occurred to her until I said it. As soon as I said it she knew I was right as she can see that I am just like her son, who has been diagnosed. She didn’t make connection before. Why would she when I didn’t either?

My mother, who I really though was not going to understand at all – did understand. I saw some realization in her expression. She even began pointing out things that she remembered about me as a child (and I told her other things from school that she never knew about), which of course in this day and age are apparent, but back in the day, it really wouldn’t have been recognized.

At that time you would just be labeled:

“painfully shy”

hysterical

overly dramatic,

lazy

needed to learn to pay better attention

And then there is:

“why doesn’t she ever sleep?”

“why does she she bawl her eyes out whenever people sing Happy Birthday to her? Doesn’t matter, we’re going to do it anyway.”

“You know, you don’t have to follow EVERY rule.”

– this list goes on.

That was the way it was. There was something wrong with me that apparently was all my fault and up to me to fix my behavior, not, there was something that should be looked into. That was the way it was back then.

Some of the issues that these lawyers discussed – like “Time Blindness”, and being “Directionally Challenged” were issues that I would have never related to neurodiversity, so it was really a revelation.

I did say that I felt better now that I have figured all of this out so why, at my age do I want an official “on paper” diagnosis? Well as a blogger acquaintance who has also been recently diagnosed as an adult said to me – “I get it. You want receipts.”

After a lifetime of being gaslit – yes I do!

So to the friends and family who were understanding about all of this – Thank you!

To the people who felt the need to laugh (and others who will. I can put money on it) and say “I could have told you that” – and not in a nice way. I have to ask. If you knew it all along I have to wonder why you were so sh!#y and gaslightly (not a word) all of these years?

THAT is a You problem.