A few months ago, in anticipation of a social gathering that we were scheduled to attend still weeks away in the future, I published a “rant” – plain and simple – it was a rant. I already had myself worked up.
Now I do write my fair share of rants but I would say that 50% or more do not ever get published (okay so I published “sort of” a rant just last week, but usually they do not see the light of day). Although I have every intention of hitting the publish button at the time, just the writing down of it tends to calm me down and said rant goes unpublished. There are times when the writing down of it does not calm me down and in most of those cases I sit on it, sometimes for months until I am able to edit and bring down the hostility level
Then there are the times when I do not sit on it (while still trying to edit out some of the hostility) and just hit publish.
After I published the post below, managing to bring that level down, my blogger friend Autism-Mom published a post that said everything in a graceful and more civilized way. If you missed it, you can find her post right below my rant. It is worth the read.
So………..The holidays are upon us. Need I say more?
Opinions, Opinions and More Opinions
As parents of autistic children, we as a community seem to receive a good amount of unsolicited and unwanted parenting advice and opinions from family, friends and even strangers. Why these people seem to be under the impression that this is appropriate behavior or conversation, I do not know. If someone should ask my opinion about their neurotypical child I may give them my opinion – I may not, (especially since I do not have a neurotypical child to base my opinion on) but either way, I will most certainly not tell them that they are “doing it all wrong” or give an opinion in front of their child. As a general rule, if not asked I will keep my mouth shut. I do not understand why it always seems to be open season on us, our parenting skills and our children….
Dear Everyone At The Table:
Let’s just get this all over with now so I don’t have to listen to it in increments throughout the evening, shall we?
1. “Can’t he do that himself?”
Yes, he is perfectly capable of getting up and getting his own food, but I am closer and offered to do it for him. What about this could possibly concern you?
2. “Does he use that much salt at home?”
No, as a matter of fact he doesn’t use ANY salt at home. (See post
) – I do not even buy salt as I don’t use it either. He and I together probably consume less salt than any single average person would. Someone along the way must have shown him that salt is used for something other than fairy dust so he does feel the need to use it when we go out to eat.
3. “Does he eat that much at home?”
No he doesn’t. Not even close. He would if I let him, but I don’t. Yes, he gets a little bit carried away when we are out, but one of his favorite things in life is going out to eat so what would be the fun in it if he doesn’t get to have what he likes?
4. “You should make him order a salad with his meal. Does he eat any vegetables?”
He eats a good amount of vegetables, probably more than you do. In his mind, salad and vegetables are not “out to eat” foods. (See answer #3) I don’t believe that I will have to rush him to the hospital for not having vegetables at this one meal. He eats a good amount of fruit too, but I am sure you will now point out how much sugar there is in fruit so I guess I may as well be giving him candy.
5. “Does he exercise? He looks like he could use some exercise”
He walks and goes to the Y at least 3 to 4 times a week. Not to mention the jumping and dancing he does quite continuously when he is at home. He also runs cross country in the fall and takes Zumba every time the class is offered.
6. “He’s put on a lot of weight. You really need to watch what he eats.”
He is on seizure medication – this is one side effect of said medication. I watch what he eats every day (see answer #3).
He exercises daily (see answer #5)
So with all of that being said; Would it be possible to reserve this and any further conversation about his weight or eating habits for a time when he is, you know, not sitting right here. My preference would be at a time when I am not here either.
If you should have any other comments or unsolicited opinions on any subject regarding my child, please reserve them for that same time.
While I am not or have ever been in the habit of commenting on everyone at this table’s parenting skills, I do have a list in my head going way back over the years that I can access at a moments notice. I am not afraid to use it…
(It’s a pretty extensive list)
CASE CLOSED – Autism-Mom
Open: When I was ready to have a child, I read many books on pregnancy, learning the best ways to do take care of myself for the health of my child.
Closed. The reality of working full-time, pre-eclampsia edema and hypertension meant I had to adapt to meet my own needs as well as my child’s, even if it was different from what the books recommended I do.
Open: After I delivered, the nurses in the maternity ward, books, the internet, my friends and family, told me what I needed to do to take care of my baby.
Closed. I cared for my newborn the way that worked best for us after learning who he was, what he needed, and even if it was different from what the nurses books, the internet, my friends and family suggested I do.
Open: As he grew older, I listened to his teachers, therapists, specialists, counselors, learning the best ways to support him in his growth and learning, including related to his Autism diagnosis.
Closed: I took all of the information I had, applied it to what I knew about my son, and moved forward, even if it was different from what the professionals recommended I do.
Why? Because I am the parent and the decision is mine.
Please read the remainder of this post at Autism-Mom
Thank you for the support, Elizabeth!
Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
*sigh* … I want to say something useful but what’s there to say. I’m sorry this happens. I am in that same boat.
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I’m sure that you are. We all seem to be and I don’t know why people think it’s okay. Thanks
Thank you for your kind words, my friend! I am glad you were able to share your rant – it is an important one. 🙂
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