As parents of autistic children, we as a community seem to receive a good amount of unsolicited and unwanted parenting advice and opinions from family, friends and even strangers. Why these people seem to be under the impression that this is appropriate behavior or conversation, I do not know. If someone should ask my opinion about their neurotypical child I may give them my opinion – I may not, (especially since I do not have a neurotypical child to base my opinion on) but either way, I will most certainly not tell them that they are “doing it all wrong” or give an opinion in front of their child. As a general rule, if not asked I will keep my mouth shut. I do not understand why it always seems to be open season on us, our parenting skills and our children….
Dear Everyone At The Table:
Let’s just get this all over with now so I don’t have to listen to it in increments throughout the evening, shall we?
1. “Can’t he do that himself?”
Yes, he is perfectly capable of getting up and getting his own food, but I am closer and offered to do it for him. What about this could possibly concern you?
2. “Does he use that much salt at home?”
No, as a matter of fact he doesn’t use ANY salt at home. (See post) – I do not even buy salt as I don’t use it either. He and I together probably consume less salt than any single average person would. Someone along the way must have shown him that salt is used for something other than fairy dust so he does feel the need to use it when we go out to eat.
3. “Does he eat that much at home?”
No he doesn’t. Not even close. He would if I let him, but I don’t. Yes, he gets a little bit carried away when we are out, but one of his favorite things in life is going out to eat so what would be the fun in it if he doesn’t get to have what he likes?
4. “You should make him order a salad with his meal. Does he eat any vegetables?”
He eats a good amount of vegetables, probably more than you do. In his mind, salad and vegetables are not “out to eat” foods. (See answer #3) I don’t believe that I will have to rush him to the hospital for not having vegetables at this one meal. He eats a good amount of fruit too, but I am sure you will now point out how much sugar there is in fruit so I guess I may as well be giving him candy.
5. “Does he exercise? He looks like he could use some exercise”
He walks and goes to the Y at least 3 to 4 times a week. Not to mention the jumping and dancing he does quite continuously when he is at home. He also runs cross country in the fall and takes Zumba every time the class is offered.
6. “He’s put on a lot of weight. You really need to watch what he eats.”
He is on seizure medication – this is one side effect of said medication. I watch what he eats every day (see answer #3).
He exercises daily (see answer #5)
So with all of that being said; Would it be possible to reserve this and any further conversation about his weight or eating habits for a time when he is, you know, not sitting right here. My preference would be at a time when I am not here either.
If you should have any other comments or unsolicited opinions on any subject regarding my child, please reserve them for that same time.
While I am not or have ever been in the habit of commenting on everyone at this table’s parenting skills, I do have a list in my head going way back over the years that I can access at a moments notice. I am not afraid to use it…
(It’s a pretty extensive list)
Best Regards,
Vickie
Taking it a Step at a Time 
Haha, been there. LOVE unsolicted advice (sarcasm font needed).
It makes me angry that people would talk like DC isn’t there, too.
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I wonder what would happen if I commented on their kids weight, eating habits…. right in front of them?
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We get some of this too. My daughter has cystinosis so she eats a ton of salt because she actually loses sodium due to kidney damage. Like a ridiculous amount of salt so people feel compelled to tell me a child should not eat that much salt.
Thank you for writing this and especially asking people to not speak about it right in front of our children!
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Oh, I can imagine the comments you get! So sorry! Thanks for reading !
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Preach it sister! Ugh, as I was reading all of the comments family members have made to you over dinner I got increasingly angry because I, too, as a mom to two boys with autism am constantly dodging, justifying, explaining my every single move with both of my children. Then I feel guilty for getting angry. When I read them altogether in one post though it really opened my eyes to how unfair it is. For the love of all things holy people, STOP critiquing special needs families parenting. Thanks for letting me rant in a comment. Great post, for what it’s worth, I think you are doing an AMAZING job!! 😉
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Thank you! The same happens to me. I get angry and I’m somehow the villain. I don’t understand why people think it’s just okay. If I made a comment about one of my neice or nephew’s weight, eating habits or anything like that, I’m sure it would not go over well.
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Oh my gosh I love this!!! I relate to your post so much it’s eery. My questions are about what my son eats, how much he sleeps, and does he ever stop moving. My answers always the same “it’s autism it’s anyone’s guess. Let’s spin the wheel and find out what’s up for today!” 😉
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Yes! And the fact that you have to say that it’s Autism and they don’t know that there is not always an answer to the “why” only goes to show that they have no idea what they are talking about and should keep their opinions to themselves. Selfishly, I am happy to lean that it isn’t just me, though. Thank you for commenting!
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I agree, there’s never a good enough reason about the why and really it doesn’t matter what a parent of a child with autism says we just get judged anyways. Thank you so much for writing this. 😊
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